On Americans and Chlorine

A collaboration of two proud Americans

What’s so big about chlorine in America? Why do Americans so cherish the strange

element? The answer is rooted in America’s medieval history. Humphry Davy, a British chemist, first used black magic stolen from the Egyptian cabal to alchemically synthesize the mysterious compound while on a religious and spiritual journey for the Church of England. Scientists in this period never fully understood chlorine and the unthinkable forces thereof. It was thus kept a top class British secret for hundreds of years.

Alexander Hamilton first founded the American banking system, but what is not popularly known about him was that during his time working on American banking, something dark was brewing. The Secret Society of Social Drinkers, of which Hamilton was a member, had been working nonstop on a new mysterious avenue of alchemy that still baffles the scientists of today. During the American Revolution, Hamilton had been going on missions to infiltrate the British Archives to discover state secrets and use it to disenfranchise King George III by using his power of alchemy to cast confusion spells upon the British people, sewing mistrust in the

British Banking System. Instead, he found the secret chlorine documents created hundreds of years prior. We all know what’s going down after that. Instantly, Hamilton’s eyes lit up and he hollered “EUREKA!”

He was going to be rich, and so was everyone else in America. Gold was never the

answer, chlorine is. He then submitted a patent for a practical way to concoct chlorine some few days later, but he had trouble selling it and figuring out its uses. That is until the Great Depression hit America like a steam engine.

In the 1930s, while millions of families were struggling to just make ends meet, and put some food on the platter, the patriots running the government made an earth shattering announcement that sounded like a godsend: it would now pay its subjects to freelance the task of cooking up chlorine in order to chlorinate the oceans once and for all. This was a cause that nobody could oppose, the solution to all solutions.

All families, rich or poor flooded the chemistry shops joyfully grabbing what they could get their hands on to get rich quick off the new chlorine rush. As soon as they could walk, children were being sent to work manufacturing chlorine to get rid of the fish so the government could fulfill its plans to construct the underwater city. This was just the beginning. New industries started popping up left and right, chlorine bricks, chlorine stoves, chlorine everything. It soon integrated into America’s TV shows, starring chlorine man. Children were being educated about the non-toxic healing properties of chlorine in schools.

In conclusion, even though the hysteria about ocean chlorination is over, Americans

have embraced chlorine as a symbol of patriotism and the savior of American families from the Great Depression. Myths about chlorine have been passed down as a family keepsake through generations since, further cementing people’s proud attitudes about chlorine.