By Neha Pathi
Here at Company.Inc, we know the holidays are a time for family and friends. However, friendly faces can bring not so friendly illnesses along with them. Our cold medicine has been developed to combat this, so that you can have fun without worry. Priced at only $973.99 per microgram (not covered by any medical insurance), call 1800-UNS4F3 today for three percent off your seventh purchase! That’s 1800-UNS4F3, call today!
Side effects include rashes, swollen feet, inflammation, gum pain, numbness in the face, nausea, runny nose, stomachaches, dizziness, fatigue, headache, vision problems, high fever, coughing, chest pain, light pressure in the lower back, dry heaving, sinus infections, shortness of breath, sore throat, muscle pains, vomiting, rapid weight loss or weight gain, nose-bleeds, ulcers, salmonella, decreased appetite, indigestion, diarrhea, acid reflux, slow heart rate, increased heart rate, high blood pressure, constipation, asthma, dry mouth, face drooping, vitiligo, jaundice, rosacea, acne, hives, warts, change in sleep patterns, insomnia, drowsiness, night sweats, issues with coordination, blurry vision, temporary loss of one or more senses, extended duration of menstrual cycles, infertility, over-fertility, wait, over fertility? too good at making babies? oh right, sorry, possible birth defects when taken by pregnant women, miscarriages, postpartum depression in new mothers, extreme anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD, bipolar disorder, bulimia nervosa, memory loss, alzheimer’s, schizophrenia, psychosis, numerous unique phobias, sleep paralysis, do I need to keep reading? nobody is going to watch this part…fine, weakened immune system, leprosy, hemophilia, sickle cell anemia, tinnitus, internal…bleeding, um, measles, epilepsy, paralysis from the waist down, tremors, strokes, seizures, heartburn, heart failure, kidney problems, collapsed lungs, bronchitis, liver failure, Parkinson's disease, varying types of cancer…? uh, cysts, malaria, yellow fever, tapeworms, ringworm, risk of deadly diseases such as tetanus, polio, smallpox, ebola, bubonic pla—okay is this legal? How did this get approved? I—permanent goosebumps, enlarged earlobes, constant blinking, spontaneous albinism, large clumps of brain cells being converted into mucus, extra joints developed between the wrist and elbow, dissolving of the vocal cords, various tendons in the calf shriveling without warning, inability to blink, appearance of a pheromone within the body that constantly radiates cell phone signal, extremely magnetic hair roots, chance of growing toxic fungi within major crevices of the body?! constant static electric shocks, knees and ankles starting to giggle periodically, enhanced perceptiveness of the color fuchsia, sporadic changes in estrogen and testosterone production whenever the body registers the color fuchsia, evaporating stomach fluid, changes in bone density and volume within the body, severe allergic reactions to water and oxygen, coughing up various metal screws and bolts, extreme urges to consume human flesh, reversed placement of the eyes and the fingernails—no, no way, this is still cold medicine right? hey okay, okay, I’m sorry, uh, inability to be in sunlight, increased number of limbs, razor like claws developing in the middle of the night, deep pink holes developing throughout the palms, development of wings or other means of flight, minor immortality, regular visits from the shadow people, uncontrollable black liquid spewing from the eyes and mouth at all times, and inevitable blood contracts with—with the underworld.
Um, only at Company.Inc. We’re here for you.
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